Once a Queen in Narnia, Always a Queen
One of my favorite books when I was little was a picture book called Tales of the Kingdom. It’s the first part of a fantasy trilogy that tells the story of Scarboy, an outcast child, who escapes the dark and evil Enchanted City and runs away to Great Park. In Great Park, people who believe in the True King seek to bring about justice and the restoration of their fallen world.
The most poignant aspect of the Tales of the Kingdom world for me was the Circle of Sacred Flames, which was part of gatherings of followers of the True King. The Circle of Sacred Flames was harrowing to walk through, but once on the inside, entrants became unmasked, and their true selves – much more radiant than who they appeared to be day-to-day – were revealed. The gruff, motley ranger was revealed to be a shining knight and skilled leader, the unassuming and slightly nonsensical grandmother figure became a wise and powerful healer, the fearful Scarboy transformed into a dependable hero… you get the picture. I loved the concept that we are all more than we seem, and I was all for the idea that I, who wore patterned leggings with long Disney princess shirts, who was bossy and bullied my brother, had a “true form” where I was resplendent and commanding and loved by all.
I grew up being told that I was a child of God, and because Christ is the King, my identity as His child made me a princess. I believed this, but it took on new meaning for me when I got to play Susan Pevensie in my high school’s production of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. At the end of the story, the Pevensies are all crowned queens and kings of Narnia.
Initially, I was deeply uncomfortable kneeling on stage and being crowned by Aslan. Like Peter the apostle, I was mortified to be in a position where the Messiah was serving me, and I couldn’t stomach the implications for who that act of service meant I was. I think all of us wrestle with being afraid that we won’t turn out to be someone who fulfils our dreams, but I think more subconsciously all of us also wrestle at some point or another with stepping into the greatness of who we’ve been created to be. It was terrifying and incredible to play a character who got to tumble in the grass with God, who watched Christ be crucified, went to weep at His tomb, and then saw the stone table crack. It still is terrifying to look at Jesus, and the crowns of the kings and queens of Narnia, and the stone table and acknowledge that these things are my inheritance, my identity, with all the pain and freedom that they bring.
Getting to play Susan Pevensie pushed me to step into the Circle of Sacred Flames, and nudged me a little closer to seeing myself the way God sees me. Once a queen in Narnia, always a queen… I had been crowned, and there was nothing I could do to shake that responsibility and that honor.
Many years later, here I am, still reading fantasy books and dressing up as characters I love. I
started cosplaying a little over two years ago, when I had been accepted into a masters program and wanted to develop an intentional hobby to feed my creative, crafting side while I worked on a tree-ring science thesis.
For those unfamiliar, cosplay is dressing up as a person from a world (like an elf from Lord of the Rings, for example), or a particular character (like Princess Leia from Star Wars). What began as a way to entertain myself quickly morphed into a lifeline as I wrestled with depression and anxiety during my degree. My masters program was excruciatingly difficult for me for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest factors is that it caused me to constantly second-guess my worth, what little security I had, and my identity.
Because of cosplay, I was still creating and crafting on agonizing days full of failure in the lab at school. I got to produce these versions of myself where I wasn’t a lost grad student struggling to get out of bed; instead, I was a princess: brave, beautiful, well-read, whose love could change the heart of even the fiercest beast. I was a superhero from Mars who learned to use her incredible suite of powers – telekinesis, telepathy, flight, shapeshifting, invisibility – to serve those around her for love and justice, rather than control them out of fear. I got to dress up as people who were strong, powerful, and beautiful, and on days when I felt completely overwhelmed by everything I couldn’t do, it helped me to believe that I, Anna, was strong, powerful, and beautiful, too.
Cosplay reminds me that I am not always what I seem. In this way, it invites me regularly into
that Circle of Sacred Flames and forces me to remember that without having to do anything, God sees me as royalty and is proud of me. Sometimes it takes me dressing up as someone else to remind me that without having to try harder or change who I am, I am enough.
About Anna
Anna has been writing stories and creating worlds as long as she can remember. She currently lives on Vancouver Island with Mr. Cosplanna, and spends her days teaching and copywriting. Anna enjoys filling her free time with her cosplay hobby, as well as reading about and watching the worlds and stories others have created. Anna loves donuts, movie soundtracks, and stories that get a little grander with every telling. You can find her cosplay work @Cosplanna on Facebook and Instagram.